Thinking about all the times some tool of a client has done this to me, all the times I have rationalised this behaviour, all the times I have heard (and given) sucky advice about it just being a ‘risk of the job’. Well I am here to tell you that this practice IS SEXUAL ASSAULT. This practice is something that sex workers have been dealing with for as long as we have been using condoms for full service – which is my entire career.
So I apologise to any sex worker who has had this abuse minimised, by me, my internalised shame, by other workers or by the misogynistic society. Stealthing is NOT something we should have to deal with. As sex workers we deserve that our consent is respected!
I negotiate consent clearly. My ads state my do’s and don’ts. I confirm my services with clients and yet…. my consent is ignored/dismissed/not respected.
I even have some cute terms, like ‘the pillow dance’ for when i have to constantly move my head to avoid clients kissing me or the ‘finger on the clit to check his dick’ where I constantly check that the condom is on, unbroken and not sitting on the bed next to me.
It kinda sucks that I have normalised this behaviour. I sell sexual services, I negotiate my terms in exchange for a fee, I ensure that my clients understand my boundaries and i am confident (in most situations) at telling clients they are pushing my boundaries. But yet this shit continues to happen.
Do I seek support- No.
People who are not sex workers tend to ask me what I expect? Don’t I know that it’s a high risk job? If I am going to keep working in the industry I need to accept the risks.
Police, well face it, the stigma of sex work is not likely to get me taken seriously AND I do not want to press charges and have to declare in court that I am a sex worker. Plus dealing with judgemental dudes on a power trip giving me a lecture is not my idea of a fun time.
Other sex workers can be good. They get it. however, and i am guilty of this, we give advice on protective behaviours. We share resources on birth control, counsellors, STI checks and offer bitching and venting sessions. Some of the worst advice I have heard in my time is ‘just see the next client, don’t end your day on a bad client’. Not only does that minimise the harm from that booking and negate the experience but if you chose to press charges you are messing with any evidence.
So with the exception of some very good sex worker friends and my awesome partner I am super isolated. If these people happen to not have the ability to assist, or happens to be dealing with their own shit I am pretty much on my own.
But yet NO ONE can address the problem. People negate my consent because of my chosen occupation.
I have had negative experiences in my personal life also, a fault of a misogynistic society. This may not be as much of a problem if society stopped enforcing that women exist for the sexual pleasure of men. But there are so many issues around this that it’s a whole blog post or three.
So I will leave you with this… Sex work does not negate my ability to consent.
“Stealthing”, assault, boundary pushing, abuse, stigma and discrimination should not be ‘a risk of the job’.
On a personal note after a hiatus from blogging I am hoping I am back, but only time will tell, for now xxx