So let’s talk body image…. Well, my body image anyway.
I haven’t always been a curvy girl. I was a stick thin kid. Then i hit puberty and overnight i went from a kids size 12 to a ladies 12 with a DD bust and hips.From there i slowly ballooned up.
This is a ramble about how sex work forced me to confront my body image and how I learnt to embrace me. I still have my days, but let me be honest I know I am fucking pretty, gorgeous and damn sexy.PLEASE NOTE- I am NOT saying YOU should go into sex work to find your confidence.
So I started stripping. I was 17. I was a size 16, i was super alternative and embracing my lesbianism via my aesthetic. The story there is my friend wanted a job, i went as emotional support and BOOM!! I was offered a job.
I used to cover up from underbust to just above my vag. Underbust corsets, cinchers and high waisted skirts were my everything. I would blame my body for bad days and I believe that guys that booked private dances with me just wanted me for my baby face or because they fetishised my fat.
I was constantly comparing myself to my slender, toned co-workers. I fell short, well fat, a lot. My self image plummeted. COMPARISION NEVER WORKS! You are you, they are them. Each person has insecurities and things they would change. But people don’t compare as you are the way you are for what ever reason. Comparison hurts, you put others on pedestals and slam yourself down and that is not cool. You should be on a pedestal!
I started full service work. I covered up in the same way. Every damn booking I was asked to remove it. They wanted to see me. I was constantly like ‘Really? Are you sure??’. I was embarrassed of my nakedness. I was embarrassed of my fat. I faked the confidence and smiled through every painful shift where I didn’t get bookings and I felt worse and worse about myself.
About 6 months in I was slowly starting to believe in myself. When you are told how beautiful you are constantly it starts to affect you. But I would never take the compliments, I would fob them off, make excuses or be pretend I never heard them.
Then I read some body positivity stuff and I got better. I was more accepting of myself, knew i was pretty and attractive. But that was always I am beautiful for a fat girl, I am pretty despite my size.
I went through some tough mental health times and my size ballooned up. I hit a size 20/22. I started working privately. I started an experiment. I was determined to accept every compliment to see how uncomfortable it made the person giving it. Clients would say ‘you are gorgeous’ and I would respond I know! With a grin. No more excuses.
This made me start see the beauty in myself. I started taking photos of myself for advertising and saw the beauty in me. Despite being at my biggest sale ever. Over the last 4 years I have become proud and more comfortable of myself and my body. I am beautiful and I believe it.
However I recently lost a significant amount of weight. I keep getting compliments from everyone in my life and I am feeling uncomfortable again. My issues have returned slightly. I’m not that insecure teenager anymore but I am seeing my flaws more often. I am picking and poking holes in my gorgeousness.
So I set out to gain back that confidence in myself. I set myself to accept the compliments again,instead of responding with “Thanks, i still have a long way to go!”. Fuck off Brain. I am perfect. If I go up 3 dress sizes or drop 3 more I will work to love myself.
I challenge you to accept compliments. Without excuses, without justifications and without clarifications. Just smile and say thanks, or if you’re feeling brave AGREE!!!
Sex work helped me find my confidence and (mostly) overcome my body issues. I didn’t discuss my teenage eating disorders, yoyo dieting or anything like that as I have healed from these. (Most days) I am me, like it or lump it. PLEASE NOTE- I am NOT saying YOU should go into sex work to find your confidence. I am simply saying sex work helped with mine. After all people paid to fuck this fat chick (a LOT of people and they fucking loved it, cos I am damn good at my job and I am blooming gorgeous)
I am working on my first youtube video so i need questions (I plan on a Q&A topic) send them through via email or social media. I blog at least once a week on sex, sex work, friendships, love, mental health and the chaos that is life.
Till next time, xoxo Your unconventional neighbourhood whore